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Satire

Operation: Dove

It is a blazing hot March day in Katy, Texas.As you walk down the sweaty hallways, you fight off hundreds and thousands of sweaty, hot, perspiring students; all itching to get out of the halls and into class. Luckily for you, however, you have a sense of personal hygiene, making sure to shower in the morning – and as crazy as it may sound – applied a strong layer of deodorant. But sadly, as you walk into class and get hit by a strong gust of warm air and musk, you quickly realize that your classmates were a bit less considerate. As the smell of homeless people and onions seeps through both nostrils, all of your clothes, and each individual pore of your skin, you ask to go to the bathroom in order to escape the toxic stench. But why, you ask yourself while gasping for fresh air, are we the ones to suffer because we want to smell nice? The answer is because we have never done anything about it. But luckily enough, I have came up with a simple solution, and I call it: Operation Dove.

What does every single person in the world all have in common? That’s right, we all have to eat. Now this solution takes dedication and persistence, so pay close attention. We spend around $18 million a year on deodorant alone, and contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t actually prevent sweating. Also, keep in mind that there are twelve months in a year, always. So, we will dedicate two months out of the year, preferably February and July, where every single person will eat nothing but deodorant. The science behind the madness is that, as you intake the deodorant into your body, it will digest the deodorant, and view it as waste. What the body will then do, is excrete the waste out of your pores, otherwise known as sweat, and it will leave you – and everyone -smelling nice and fresh. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not animals, we will eat only non toxic deodorant. However, if anyone smells funky or it is discovered that they have not been keeping up with said diet, permission is granted to savagely beat them to remind them of their wrong doings. Also, we will replace all smoke detectors with smell alarms, that will go off every time someone stinky is detected, alerting everybody around them. And then, of course, they are beaten unconscious. It is not a very hard or complicated plan, but trust me, Operation Dove is the number one solution to this problem.

All in all, it shouldn’t be us, clean people who should suffer for caring about themselves. A simple meal plan adjustment and serious beating can go a long way, however, it is up to us to provoke change in the simplest way possible.

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